Ursula walked into Sam's immediate proximity with her hair brush in action. She was finishing up an extended currying, and her locks glistened as she shook them out.
"Teal says Travis and Bubba MIRLed... apparently Bubba is looking for a Biblical application of Missouri mules."
Sam had been watching appreciatively, and qualified her observation with comprehension by saying, "Well... _your_ Biblical application of a mule is VERY appealing in those boy shorts. You fill them in a way that implies successful reproduction on a schedule. Care to speculate what they'd do about it in the 'show me' State?"
She preened a little and responded, "They'd likely tame it with a little 'Southern Comfort,' followed hard on by a liberal application of 'Wild Goose.' Care to retrace the Louis and Clark expedition up the Mississippi tonight, in homage?"
His response was somewhat predictable, but well appreciated. "Wild Horses couldn't DRAG me away! ...and what kind of a word is 'MIRL?'"
"A computer word, silly! It's an acronym for M_eet I-n R-eal L_ife."
"Hmmm..." was Sam's response. "And Travis tried to tell me that 'personal computer manufacturers can't invent acronyms.'"
She grinned nefariously. "Sam, you KNOW I'm not ignorant about EVERYTHING! P-C-M-C-I-A? That's the thing that connected the old laptop to the internet wirelessly. I haven't forgotten."
He felt the need to exert male dominance, and struck out on a new course with a non-sequiter.
"How much did the Pirate's ear-rings cost?" he asked.
She threatened him with strip 20-questions if he didn't behave, and admitted she didn't know.
"A bucc-an-eer." he enumerated with satisfaction. "He stole 'em fair 'n square, but he made his first mate sell 'em to him for a receipt!" he added victoriously.
She dug down for a response.
"Where does the luck of the Irish come from?" she asked in return.
He observed that she had rather less than 20 articles of clothing in the pot, and admitted ignorance.
"From Ireland," she denoted authoritatively. "Do you know how I _know_ they are so lucky?" she continued, capitalizing on her advantage.
He responded by holding his watch up by the strap.
"No snakes in Ireland," she gleefully finished.
His description of the habitat of garter snakes, and the ratio of gentle to harmless they illustrate, was instructive. "I'm gentle, by I ain't harmless," he concluded.
They fell off a conversational cliff into the bedroom.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A meal at MIRL'ens
Bubba and Travis met for lunch at a fast food restaurant. Travis' metabolism was that of a greyhound, and he ordered liberally. Bubba was more conservative with a small Coke and a small ice cream cone. The conversation turned to End User License Agreements, and Travis asked Bubba, "Have you seen some of the newer Open Source Software EULAs?"
"You talkin' 'bout the ones that just say GPG2? Yeah... anything's better than Microsoft!"
Travis contemplated this, and decided that, (in order to obtain time to eat,) he was going to have to get Bubba to redeliver one of his canned soap box speeches. He reasoned that the review would benefit them both, and sallied forth with the request, "Could you go over that one for me, one more time?"
"Well Travis, in my opinion Microsoft uses it's EULAs to keep all Microsoft Developers subsidiary to its own Research and Development." Bubba licked the drips of ice cream carefully, so as not to spill any.
"How so?" Travis replied when he finished his bite.
"You know all this Travis. One of these days I'm gonna have a test, just to hold you responsible. Their EULAs are all English, but the vocabulary allows for so many inferences that no human brain can master the possibilities. Usually there is one arcane provision in there that means you have to send Microsoft 5.2% of all proceeds and profits from anything you earn from an application developed using Microsoft Development Tools!"
"Prove it," Travis shot back.
"OK, suppose I decide to list all possible alphabets from the ordinary English one we use. I'd start off with a to z, just like normal. Then I'd have to list all the A-a to z combos. Then the B-a to z combos and so on. Then I'd list all the a to z-A combos and all the a to z-B combos, etc. When I finally got to the end, using ANY system of patterns, no matter how far out I extend it, IF I come to a stopping place, THEN I can list the very last list out again, and add an 'a,' at the end, and it's a whole new alphabet list. The exhaustive list of all broken patterns is incomplete, and a German named Goedel (Girdle Travis, not Go-Dell, like YOU always say,) mathematically said 'Give it up, you ain't gonna list 'em all,' in a theorem called 'The Incompleteness Theorem.'" He mentally reviewed his monologue and decided it was sufficient and smiled at Travis to communicate he was done.
Undaunted, Travis finished his current mouthful and inquired, "...and this proves...?"
"Why Travis, did Teal beat ya over the head with an AGGIE? It PROVES you can't infer EVERYTHING there is to know about a Microsoft EULA ever. In ONE READING, you can infer things that are important to ya from a single context, but ya have to review at least once before every paying program application, or the IRS will come after ya for unreported income to Microsoft. It's a legal bind!" He turned his attention to a soggy cone, yielding to unattended drippings from the contents.
Travis was not convinced that Bubba believed everything he said, and decided to rib his fellow 5t accordingly. "Your point?" he asked pointedly.
As Travis changed subjects from Burger to Fries, Bubba contemplated beating him over the head with an Aggie. Then inspiration struck. Travis had missed a trick, and he was going to be the victor in the confrontation. "Travis, you are not burdened with an understanding intellect! YOU install a program and you just ignore the thing IF it doesn't inconvenience you. Why, I've even seen you run a cracker 13 times, just to gen up a valid Microdollar code to install a Microdollar Ap. My POINT was that IF the Open Source people want to specify anything NOVEL, they are gonna have a list of GPG EULAs so long it'll boggle the mind!"
"All they have to do is put GPG2, and then add '...excepting on Thursdays from 3-4 AM!'" Travis disagreed blithely.
Bubba gave Travis a searching looking over that would have made a puppy look humorous, just as if his head turned on a pivot. Maybe he WAS that ignorant. He wasn't stupid, or things he said would be stupider, and he wasn't an idiot... Bubba himself had seen him learn from a mistake. "You need to write you Kansas City cousin Mo, and show it to him!" he compromised. "Mo isn't dumb."
Travis was diverted and missed the implication before he spoke. "Not dumb, but more stubborn than an Aggie mule!" he exclaimed. He paused as comprehension flooded through his brain. "I can see our team missed THAT two-points. I was trying to avoid a three-second violation," he sheepishly apologized.
Bubba could now afford to be magnanimous. "It wasn't exactly a slam dunk," he agreed. "On balance, it's a new shot clock."
"When I can't pass, I shoot," Travis affirmed.
"When I can't shoot, I pass," Bubba responded, and bussed the table. "Later?"
"U2," Travis answered in parting. The Kawasaki buzzed like a mosquito, and Bubba contemplated suggesting Glasspaks. No... it was better to leave it deceptively powerful, like his computer and his mouth.
"You talkin' 'bout the ones that just say GPG2? Yeah... anything's better than Microsoft!"
Travis contemplated this, and decided that, (in order to obtain time to eat,) he was going to have to get Bubba to redeliver one of his canned soap box speeches. He reasoned that the review would benefit them both, and sallied forth with the request, "Could you go over that one for me, one more time?"
"Well Travis, in my opinion Microsoft uses it's EULAs to keep all Microsoft Developers subsidiary to its own Research and Development." Bubba licked the drips of ice cream carefully, so as not to spill any.
"How so?" Travis replied when he finished his bite.
"You know all this Travis. One of these days I'm gonna have a test, just to hold you responsible. Their EULAs are all English, but the vocabulary allows for so many inferences that no human brain can master the possibilities. Usually there is one arcane provision in there that means you have to send Microsoft 5.2% of all proceeds and profits from anything you earn from an application developed using Microsoft Development Tools!"
"Prove it," Travis shot back.
"OK, suppose I decide to list all possible alphabets from the ordinary English one we use. I'd start off with a to z, just like normal. Then I'd have to list all the A-a to z combos. Then the B-a to z combos and so on. Then I'd list all the a to z-A combos and all the a to z-B combos, etc. When I finally got to the end, using ANY system of patterns, no matter how far out I extend it, IF I come to a stopping place, THEN I can list the very last list out again, and add an 'a,' at the end, and it's a whole new alphabet list. The exhaustive list of all broken patterns is incomplete, and a German named Goedel (Girdle Travis, not Go-Dell, like YOU always say,) mathematically said 'Give it up, you ain't gonna list 'em all,' in a theorem called 'The Incompleteness Theorem.'" He mentally reviewed his monologue and decided it was sufficient and smiled at Travis to communicate he was done.
Undaunted, Travis finished his current mouthful and inquired, "...and this proves...?"
"Why Travis, did Teal beat ya over the head with an AGGIE? It PROVES you can't infer EVERYTHING there is to know about a Microsoft EULA ever. In ONE READING, you can infer things that are important to ya from a single context, but ya have to review at least once before every paying program application, or the IRS will come after ya for unreported income to Microsoft. It's a legal bind!" He turned his attention to a soggy cone, yielding to unattended drippings from the contents.
Travis was not convinced that Bubba believed everything he said, and decided to rib his fellow 5t accordingly. "Your point?" he asked pointedly.
As Travis changed subjects from Burger to Fries, Bubba contemplated beating him over the head with an Aggie. Then inspiration struck. Travis had missed a trick, and he was going to be the victor in the confrontation. "Travis, you are not burdened with an understanding intellect! YOU install a program and you just ignore the thing IF it doesn't inconvenience you. Why, I've even seen you run a cracker 13 times, just to gen up a valid Microdollar code to install a Microdollar Ap. My POINT was that IF the Open Source people want to specify anything NOVEL, they are gonna have a list of GPG EULAs so long it'll boggle the mind!"
"All they have to do is put GPG2, and then add '...excepting on Thursdays from 3-4 AM!'" Travis disagreed blithely.
Bubba gave Travis a searching looking over that would have made a puppy look humorous, just as if his head turned on a pivot. Maybe he WAS that ignorant. He wasn't stupid, or things he said would be stupider, and he wasn't an idiot... Bubba himself had seen him learn from a mistake. "You need to write you Kansas City cousin Mo, and show it to him!" he compromised. "Mo isn't dumb."
Travis was diverted and missed the implication before he spoke. "Not dumb, but more stubborn than an Aggie mule!" he exclaimed. He paused as comprehension flooded through his brain. "I can see our team missed THAT two-points. I was trying to avoid a three-second violation," he sheepishly apologized.
Bubba could now afford to be magnanimous. "It wasn't exactly a slam dunk," he agreed. "On balance, it's a new shot clock."
"When I can't pass, I shoot," Travis affirmed.
"When I can't shoot, I pass," Bubba responded, and bussed the table. "Later?"
"U2," Travis answered in parting. The Kawasaki buzzed like a mosquito, and Bubba contemplated suggesting Glasspaks. No... it was better to leave it deceptively powerful, like his computer and his mouth.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Latitude according to 5t character;
Three weeks had passed, and Melbourne had lost his bet with Andrea miserably. Ursula had kept her bargain with Sam by making the arrangements and payments herself... he had put her in charge of a budget. Melbourne now had two sheep dogs, and two, two year old mares, for draft. In equine terms they were mutts, and Sam had been careful to explain that the hereditary of the Mustang lacked inbreeding for the same reason. Melbourne's gratitude had been so profound as to embarrass them both, and they had narrowly avoided tears over the phone.
Sam was now in receipt of a mailer post-marked from Perth, containing the particulars of the relevant wire transfer. Ursula would have to make it her business to know Andrea's measurements and preferences. Her taste was desert ranch, and would fit in with ranchers the world over.
Now for the fun part... the surprise. His best research showed that Land Cruiser was the best bargain to be had local to the Darwin area, and he proceeded to make arrangements for it to be delivered unannounced. He composed his thoughts. "Mel," he began, "I was shopping for Range Rovers in Tasmania, and came across a batch of Land Cruisers for a song. Could you take this one off my hands, and point out a couple of deserving buddies, to take two more off my hands? You'd be responsible for shipping and handling, but the matching funds from the Paris to Dakar rally entries should adequately cover costs." Hmmm... Melbourne was a master of verbal sleight of hand. If he even suspected, there was no telling what would happen. Maybe the "matching funds," should become "the winner's cup," with Mel responsible for paying a proportionate fraction of the taxes? Yeah, that ought to do it. He squared his shoulders and addressed the keyboard. It was going to be an EX-Cellent day!
Sam was now in receipt of a mailer post-marked from Perth, containing the particulars of the relevant wire transfer. Ursula would have to make it her business to know Andrea's measurements and preferences. Her taste was desert ranch, and would fit in with ranchers the world over.
Now for the fun part... the surprise. His best research showed that Land Cruiser was the best bargain to be had local to the Darwin area, and he proceeded to make arrangements for it to be delivered unannounced. He composed his thoughts. "Mel," he began, "I was shopping for Range Rovers in Tasmania, and came across a batch of Land Cruisers for a song. Could you take this one off my hands, and point out a couple of deserving buddies, to take two more off my hands? You'd be responsible for shipping and handling, but the matching funds from the Paris to Dakar rally entries should adequately cover costs." Hmmm... Melbourne was a master of verbal sleight of hand. If he even suspected, there was no telling what would happen. Maybe the "matching funds," should become "the winner's cup," with Mel responsible for paying a proportionate fraction of the taxes? Yeah, that ought to do it. He squared his shoulders and addressed the keyboard. It was going to be an EX-Cellent day!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
A 5t reversal of fortune;
The morning email brought a new revelation. Melbourne had included digital pictures with his explanation. "My Dear Samuel:" it began. "It has come to my attention that your beloved 5ts have a public relations problem beyond compare in OZ! They appear to be engaged in a political revolt against Pacifism in its Australian manifestation; they are involved in gun running. Please contact management ASAP, and clue them in... I'd hate to see Texans badly received here OR in Vietnam." The browser broke for a new paragraph.
"Please find attached pictures explaining my URGENT request for verification that Newton's Laws of Physics have not been reversed. Andrea's last three upside down cakes have come out upside down! I am aware that those prepared with Hawaiian Pineapple are intended to do so, but Andrea assures me that her Italian and French Pineapple versions fared no better, and all three were upside down BEFORE she turned them over! Are you aware if Texan Pineapple upside down cakes are similarly non-conformist?"
Sam was delighted to hear from him, and his conversation with Travis at Cassandra's was sufficiently recent that he looked forward to matching wits with a master.
He cracked his knuckles at arm's length in front of him as he warmed to his task. The backspace key flew, as he willed his thoughts into ASCII.
"Melbourne: If you call me 'Dear' anymore, I'm gonna _start_ by being CHEAP. Then I'm gonna teach you all about why these 5t impostors need warnings about US a'comin', not us about THEM. THEN I'm gonna stand up tall, right between you and the sun, and ask you if you need a hand to help you up! You got it? By the way, BTW stands for how unimportant this is, but I'll thank you to remember that the 5ts have NO Bureaucracy! THINK about it!"
He hit a carriage return. "Now as to these pictures: Did these Pineapples come from traditional ground level thorn bushes, or did they fall off of a turnip truck on a backhaul run? Our Texan Pineapple trees are like Mexican Jumping Beans in this respect: every Pineapple cake made with one since Betsy Ross, RELIABLY flips completely, right inside the oven. We had to _invent_ OVEN _CLEANER_, the problem was so bad. As such, the versions meant to be upside down were right side up, and we had to send away to Hawaii for Pineapples that don't do that. Fact is, it's ages since I've even SEEN a TEXAN Pineapple!"
[Carriage Return]"Again, 'BTW,' Abercrombie and Fitch have an aggressive position on Chinese polished cotton this year... can I invest a dollar or two on behalf of you and Andrea? You can make it up later, with a wire from Western Union. As a matter of courtesy, please note; the wire HAS to come from Perth, or I'd be taking advantage of you... Western Union is a _stickler_ for protocol!"
He scanned his effort, and it met with his approval. "Yours Sincerely," he pecked out. "Sam Clementine the Trey."
He shared his finished product with Ursula, and upon her endorsement mashed the "send" button. In a moment of weakness, she had blurted out her secret, and he was "in on it," now.
"I think you better blow it with Andrea pretty soon too," he shared. "If you don't, she'll think you made her take charity when she eventually finds out... and she WILL find out: It's a female eventuality."
Ursula knew that the word eventuality, properly used, meant that the event was unavoidable in every aspect but chronology. "I agree. All we can do is try and control the timing of the leak," she concurred. "Sam, you make my heart want to hug you all by itself!"
His upturned gaze brimmed with unfeigned adoration. "I love you Urs," he preened.
It _was_ his turn!
"Please find attached pictures explaining my URGENT request for verification that Newton's Laws of Physics have not been reversed. Andrea's last three upside down cakes have come out upside down! I am aware that those prepared with Hawaiian Pineapple are intended to do so, but Andrea assures me that her Italian and French Pineapple versions fared no better, and all three were upside down BEFORE she turned them over! Are you aware if Texan Pineapple upside down cakes are similarly non-conformist?"
Sam was delighted to hear from him, and his conversation with Travis at Cassandra's was sufficiently recent that he looked forward to matching wits with a master.
He cracked his knuckles at arm's length in front of him as he warmed to his task. The backspace key flew, as he willed his thoughts into ASCII.
"Melbourne: If you call me 'Dear' anymore, I'm gonna _start_ by being CHEAP. Then I'm gonna teach you all about why these 5t impostors need warnings about US a'comin', not us about THEM. THEN I'm gonna stand up tall, right between you and the sun, and ask you if you need a hand to help you up! You got it? By the way, BTW stands for how unimportant this is, but I'll thank you to remember that the 5ts have NO Bureaucracy! THINK about it!"
He hit a carriage return. "Now as to these pictures: Did these Pineapples come from traditional ground level thorn bushes, or did they fall off of a turnip truck on a backhaul run? Our Texan Pineapple trees are like Mexican Jumping Beans in this respect: every Pineapple cake made with one since Betsy Ross, RELIABLY flips completely, right inside the oven. We had to _invent_ OVEN _CLEANER_, the problem was so bad. As such, the versions meant to be upside down were right side up, and we had to send away to Hawaii for Pineapples that don't do that. Fact is, it's ages since I've even SEEN a TEXAN Pineapple!"
[Carriage Return]"Again, 'BTW,' Abercrombie and Fitch have an aggressive position on Chinese polished cotton this year... can I invest a dollar or two on behalf of you and Andrea? You can make it up later, with a wire from Western Union. As a matter of courtesy, please note; the wire HAS to come from Perth, or I'd be taking advantage of you... Western Union is a _stickler_ for protocol!"
He scanned his effort, and it met with his approval. "Yours Sincerely," he pecked out. "Sam Clementine the Trey."
He shared his finished product with Ursula, and upon her endorsement mashed the "send" button. In a moment of weakness, she had blurted out her secret, and he was "in on it," now.
"I think you better blow it with Andrea pretty soon too," he shared. "If you don't, she'll think you made her take charity when she eventually finds out... and she WILL find out: It's a female eventuality."
Ursula knew that the word eventuality, properly used, meant that the event was unavoidable in every aspect but chronology. "I agree. All we can do is try and control the timing of the leak," she concurred. "Sam, you make my heart want to hug you all by itself!"
His upturned gaze brimmed with unfeigned adoration. "I love you Urs," he preened.
It _was_ his turn!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)