5t protocol with money; howling at the moon.

Sheila and Melbourne had just had the biggest fight of their respective lives. Melbourne had begun introducing Andrea to all and sundry as “his sheila.” This led her to question his intentions, and he re-iterated his undying love, and intentions of marrying. She had asked him exactly whose name he expected her to take, and he had said, “Didn’t I just tell them that we are going to marry?” His ignorance of ERA protocol had left him unable to anticipate her dilemma – the initials A.S.S. His own Melbourne Sydney had not escaped her attentions, and he had tried vainly to explain that in Australia, even a MASTERS in Education is Pretty hard to Do. Her evisceration had been reserved to his PhD in Naturalism, following which she had retreated from his company and begun talking to the Listener of the Records in a punitive social move.

Being at loose ends, she extended the age old hand shake, “Did you hear about the Aggie… who thought he set a record for jigsaw solutions?” The Texan’s ears perked up, and he could not believe his luck. A female 5t! He had heard about them, but never actually seen one. He was prepared to forgive all her gender bending jokes around the campfire at his expense, if only she would make an introduction for him to the opposite sex. He dutifully pretended ignorance, and asked, “No, what happened?” breathlessly. “Well,” began the Sheila, “way back in the day, a team of Aggies went into a Longhorn bar and began partying, carousing and buying rounds.” Having pretended ignorance, which is proper, he was furiously trying to remember the joke himself. Without being able to exhaustively list them all in his head, he came to the conclusion that he had not heard this one before, and began listening again. “After a couple of hours, the barkeep asked them what they were celebrating. Well, the youngest Aggie expounded, we had a puzzle to do, and we did it in just SIX MONTHS. The barkeep thought on this a moment, and responded, I’m an open minded kind of Longhorn, but that right there hardly seems like a record! Ohhhh, continued the Aggie, with deliberate dictionary diction, you should have seen what it said on the side of the BOX! The barkeep had experience with the inebriated, and caved without complaint. I’ll bite, s/he asked, what did it say on the side of the box? It said ‘FOUR to SIX YEARS!’ the Aggie finished off, laughing hysterically.”

The other Texan’s laughter was unfeigned. “That’s TREMENDOUS LOGIC,” he ruminated humorously. “Can you guess who that barkeep was?” Andrea prompted, stealing a glance at the Aussie to see if he was listening. The listener was too engaged in his professional accomplishments of listening to think before he spoke “So,” he asked, taking for granted that he knew the answer, “How long have YOU been a 5t?” Her delight at correctly identifying another 5t was mitigated by the disaster of their mutual discovery by OZ. Whatever the rich qualities of her expressions, the man knew his mistake before she even had to speak. “If a man goes into the forest and he speaks, and there is not a woman there to hear him he is STILL wrong,” he intoned apologetically.

Although there was disaster in discovery, it was not itself without mitigation. The Australian had been far more open with them about OZ than they had been with him about the 5ts. If they played their cards right, he would come out of this owing them an apology. Like Orcas attacking a whale at sea, the record keeper turned upon him. “You didn’t hear it from me!” he said tersely. “You didn’t hear it from me FIRST,” Andrea echoed, saying almost exactly the same thing. The Aussie, for his own part was mystified by this apparent hostility at HIM, for a comment that had passed between two others in his presence. “WHAT, under the STARS, is a 5T?” he ejaculated at the top of his lungs.

Andrea turned on a tap to prevent recordings and started a CD of squeeze box music, matching Sam’s fast talking with fancy footwork of her own. Before you knew it they were wrapping it up, and the Aussie was in the know. His main concern was not for home and hearth, nor for the organizational structure, goals and financing of this fearless organization. He went straight to questions about protocol when meeting a 5t in the CAPACITY of a 5t. He had correctly reason from the reflexive case of two meetings with himself, and their behavior with each other, that it was a secret organization. Having observed the stolen moments, thunder and marches, he would be HANGED if he would let them steal his initiative. In fact, if he could, he’d steal their fire, and leave them without motivation. He demonstrated the debonair wisdom of a world traveler by kissing Andrea after the fashion of the French, and directing his question to a single individual in the small crowd. “You,” he commanded, “What am I supposed to do when I meet a 5t in his OFFICIAL capacity?”

The 5t man knew that this would take more than one or two Fosters, and checked his wallet for a moment, not sure what he was getting into. “[When fighting with a 5t, he will occasionally stop all argumentation with the traditional 5t call to "order in the court," "LISTEN." On those occasions it is best if one's next statement is truly PROFOUND. If possible, this represents an opportunity to move up or down in the organization. Respect is the currency, and it is traded on exactly three bases. It can be earned, like dollars, yens, and Yuans, OR it can be won in contest with someone else who has respect. The only other way to get respect out of a 5t is to COMMAND respect. The first misunderstanding is to think that this may be accomplished by creative application of the imperative voice. This is not possible - rather it is commanded by association with important individuals, or downright law-quoting – whatever the case, it is comprehended by the phrase ‘appeal to authority.’ The second misunderstanding with regard to commanding the respect of a 5t is to think that association with important people is the ONLY way to command it. The other way to COMMAND 5t respect is to convey your merit by superior argumentation; specifically a reasoned appeal to known facts, suspected of being true. If ever a 5t fact is PROVEN to be true, it is automatically off the list of ways to command their respect. If one ever employs the appeal to Jurisprudence of saying "LISTEN," and then follows it with "NEVER MIND," the 5ts all get together and fight over who gets the offending "never mind," as it has become a collectors’ item amongst them. Not all "never minds" are equal. Some are acquired only after months of backing and forthing, others are more commonplace merely using rapier wit to thrust and riposte, with lightning repartee. In these contests, a "parry" would be the equivalent of a "never mind," and so the contest draws to a quick and decisive close - a fun game for anybody, but a cheap "never mind." In general it should be understood that the better never minds are valued for the time and effort put into making one, just like a pearl in an oyster.]” “Well,” the Aussie asked, “that’s how you STOP fighting with a 5t, but what if you want his RESPECT, and haven't earned it, can't command it and lack the audience for a competition?” “[The secret there is to use the time honored incantation that "knowledge is power," and make preparations for future argumentation. This almost inevitably begets the comment "forewarned is forearmed.” ALL 5ts agree to respect this comment at all times they are not actually engaged in conflict, armed or intellectual. To be VERY clear, the same comment on THAT occasion will draw severe reprimand and DIS-RESPECT, and even then the WINNING side is only allowed to commend their own foresight by those words. Other than that, the statement itself makes an excellent test if someone is a 5t or not. It’s akin to the Boy Scouts of America motto "Be prepared." It’s a numerological fact that the BSA was started in 1910 by exactly (count them) FIVE individuals, so right there, you know 5ts like ‘em. The disambiguation between the comments ("forewarned is forearmed," and "Be Prepared,”) comes from observing that an individual who is prepared, without BEING warned, is forearmed by some other mechanism; other than that, the statements are just the same – you’re forearmed.]”

The listener of the records sat back, drawing a satisfied drag at his Fosters. “I thought I asked about Protocol in introducing myself to a 5t!” the Aussie protested, illustrating his assimilation of the local color, “and here you’ve told me all there is to KNOW about FIGHTING with them.” “That’s because I care about you, and I know what’s acomin’,” his Texan friend elaborated. “The words you speak are only the beginning. If the first words out of your mouth are not insulting enough, there won’t even BE a fight.” “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s the best way to make an ENEMY in a proper AUSTRALIAN bar.” “I know, I know… it’s hard to explain. If you don’t start a fight you won’t get no respect, but that’s not the reason for the custom, any more than money is the reason you shelled a clam for that hummer you got over there. The real reason you insult him is so that he CAN’T take offense, and you’ll get along fine after that!” Well this caused the puzzled outback expert to turn to Andrea for a second opinion, only to be met with a lower temperature version of the old soft shoulder. “You wouldn’t stop calling me SHEILA!” she reminded him. “I was DRUNK!” the Aussie implored. “The only way you can make it up to me is if you get me JUST AS DRUNK as YOU WERE!” she continued. “Then who’ll do the driving?” “Your conspiratorial FRIEND,” he responded, this time giving due diligence to incredulity. “This is NOT another example of your so-called TREMENDOUS logic either, so don’t even go there.” She dropped it like an obedient bird dog; after all, he HAD earned SOME respect.

Well Sam was disappointed that Melbourne hadn’t been forced to offer an apology for eavesdropping, so he struck out for a new field of endeavor. “I’ve told you everything I know about money,” he noted, “What do YOU know about money?” Well next to the closed ended question, there is no comment so interrogative in nature as the open ended question. Of these, the “What do you know…” variety represent an open invitation to an attempt to be exhaustive. Once that mistake is made, proof by exception is available, and then, as Yogi Berra himself affirmed, it’s all over.

[He had once met a poor man, who argued that it was NEVER over, but they had parted on ill terms, he having questioned the poor man’s patronage, and the poor man having questioned his patrimony. He shook off the thought… he rarely if EVER said never.]

Without a word, the Aussie took up the gauntlet, and proceeded to run the gauntlet of the displeasure of them both. “Money is a need, like sex and food,” he began. “You’ll note I’m leaving out alcohol, so I’m making every effort to take your query seriously, but I’m not addicted to the stuff.” Andrea bit before Sam, and forged away with “Try and do without it!” “Well, I’VE tried to do without FOOD,” he intoned (secretly delighting in her accommodation,) “and I’m sure YOU’VE tried to do without SEX. Neither one is convenient, and I use that word in the Russian sense, but I wouldn’t call myself addicted to EITHER.” Sam took this opportunity to add, “At least I’m not addicted to SEX.” The Aussie wasn’t finished and went on, “Even if you COULD do without money, you wouldn’t be able to get AWAY from it.” Now that he WAS finished, he turned and threw the relevant gauntlet back down: “What do YOU know about money Andrea?” he asked.

Andrea was surprised, and certainly not forewarned, but her experiences with Boy Scouts (the grown kind, not the children – you pervert,) had taught her to be prepared and, somewhat to her own surprise, she had an answer. This derived partly from her knowledge of the contents of her own mind, and partly from her truthful examination of the same. “I always thought there were two schools of thought, the tools and the addicts. The tools always want more tool, but the addicts can never get enough. Whatever the case, supply never seems to quite catch up with demand.” Sam was impressed and added for consistency “Texans keep being born every year and needing more just for THEM,” he observed. They all three shared a quiet moment, and made sure no one else had overlooked them committing learning behavior that way. “So when exactly is the next full moon Melbourne?” asked his Sheila.