A Question about the N-word.

Melbourne had been reading the latest 5t update respectfully, and ventured to ask "How did sand-pirates get such a bad reputation that the author won't even list the WORD, but rather just the 'euphemism' PEJORATIVES?"

Sam and Andrea looked up at him in surprise. "Which issue were you reading?" asked Andrea. Upon reflection, Melbourne blushed, and confessed that his audiographic memory had gotten confused with his photographic memory... he had heard it, not read it, and they had been addressing him in person. "We were talking about the certainty of the full-moon," he admitted, with a Freudian concern.

Sam hastened to set his now-beloved comrade at ease. "Those 5t updates don't reliably list 5t at the top," he noted. "They used to, back when newspapers would still print anything we wrote, but nowadays we leave off the intro, just for hope that someone out there will listen."

"Those were the glory days of the 5ts," Andrea concurred, wistfully.

"You guys are wonderfully helpful, and I now understand my own confusion, but you still haven't enlightened me about Pirates," Melbourne noted persistently.

"Pirates are just thwarted horsemen from Texas," Andrea explained. "They used to love to ride Horses sooooo much they would BEG to ride. Haven't you heard the expression, 'If wishes were horses, PIRATES would ride?'" "No," answered Melbourne, truthfully. "Horses are IMPORTANT in Texas... back in the formative days of the Union, no one would even HEAR of a 'Ship-of-the-desert,' but only horses, horses, horses... they even called this part of the globe the HORSE latitudes, and it wasn't JUST from Spaniards yelling at Texans about their HORSES. Columbus was so certain of the importance of horses that he brought his own with him, and when they made landfall, they sank the ships and let the horses swim ashore so the sailors would never want to go home." "I'm pretty sure that wasn't Columbus," ventured Sam, "But it was SOMEBODY." “...who clearly knew the value of a horse,” was Andrea's point.

Sam continued wholeheartedly, "Horse theft itself is a HANGIN' offense." he added somberly. The Aussie pondered this a moment, and then asked sagely "Galveston isn't THAT far off the coast... how did pirates become such savvy sea-goers?" Here Sam was not at a loss for words, knowing his history. "Well, after we won the Civil War, we got to rewrite all the History books as our own 'The-Winners-Story,'" he explained, "and we just gave them credit for all their services in Mule running Whitelightning, and King Cotton Diplomacy. You KNOW we hated 'em or we wouldn't have re-written the Constitution special, just to make it so we could start a constitutional war IF a nation EVER refused to honor letters of Marquis or Retribution against a known-good-pirate."

Andrea added from her own stock and store that Hawaiian pirates had loved SPAM so much they renamed their charts MAPS, and this is how cartography got started.

The Aussie made every effort to both believe them AND learn their version of events, but asked the following from a basic need for self consistency. "What is the defining characteristic of a PIRATE, if they don't ride horses anymore?"

Andrea headed off this misunderstanding at the pass early, "They never RODE Horses, or they wouldn't have turned to PIRACY," she clarified.


Melbourne had been persistent enough over time that Sam knew he had best answer the question or their would be fireworks; "Pirates ALWAYS have a chip on their shoulder, and want something for nothing." he defined.


The Aussie had had some experience of the world, and knew it was necessary to know a REALLY good INSULT on occasion, just in cased a member of any given stereotype had been living up to his name a little too well, and asked his Texan friends candidly "How do you make 'em Mad when you have to?"

"Call them the N-word," they replied together... "Jinx, buy me a Coke," Andreas was quicker.

"There's only ONE?" asked the Aussie. "Is this from the A&M profound book version of the Dictionary?" Although he was suspicious of an insult of his own, the green, lemon-lime Fosters had been making Sam very tolerant, so he spelled it out for the Academic. "N-I-N-N-Y, Ninny," he explained. Andrea averted her eyes and acted self-conscious for a moment.

"Well, Just to clear the air, I'd like to make a pact with you both." The Texans turned their respective gazes on him. "I will NEVER call EITHER of you guys a NINNY," Melbourne vowed. Their eyes welled up with tears. "We won't call you one either," they swore. "Scout's Honor," added Sam with an oath. Andrea was more long-winded "Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye,” was her own commitment.

A log popped in the campfire, and they sat in companionable silence until it burned low.